Humor of Genders in German by Mark Twain is adapted from his book A Tramp Abroad :
Every noun has a gender in German,
and there is no sense or system in the distribution;
so the gender of each must be learned separately and by heart. There is no other way.
To do this one has to have a memory like a memorandum-book.
In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has.
Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what callous disrespect for the girl.
See how it looks in print—I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:
"Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
"Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen.
"Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
"Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera."
To continue with the German genders:
a tree is male, its buds are female, its leaves are neuter;
horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats are female—tomcats included, of course;
a person's mouth, neck, bosom, elbows, fingers, nails, feet, and body are of the male sex, and his head is male or neuter according to the word selected to signify it, and NOT according to the sex of the individual who wears it—for in Germany all the women wear either male heads or sexless ones;
a person's nose, lips, shoulders, breast, hands, and toes are of the female sex;
and his hair, ears, eyes, chin, legs, knees, heart, and conscience haven't any sex at all.
The inventor of the language probably got what he knew about a conscience from hearsay.
Now, by the above dissection, the reader will see that in Germany a man may THINK he is a man,
but when he comes to look into the matter closely, he is bound to have his doubts;
he finds that in sober truth he is a most ridiculous mixture;
and if he ends by trying to comfort himself with the thought that he can at least depend on a third of this mess as being manly and masculine,
the humiliating second thought will quickly remind him that in this respect he is no better off than any woman or cow in the land.
In the German it is true that by some oversight of the inventor of the language,
a Woman is a female; but a Wife (Weib) is not—which is unfortunate. A Wife, here, has no sex; she is neuter;
so, according to the grammar, a fish is HE, his scales are SHE, but a fishwife is neither.
To describe a wife as sexless may be called under-description; that is bad enough, but over-description is surely worse.
A German speaks of an Englishman as the ENGLÄNNDER;
to change the sex, he adds INN, and that stands for Englishwoman ENGLÄNDERINN.
That seems descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German;
so he precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: "die Engländerinn,"—which means "the she-Englishwoman." I consider that that person is over-described.
Well, after the student has learned the sex of a great number of nouns,
he is still in a difficulty,
because he finds it impossible to persuade his tongue to refer to things as "he" and "she," and "him" and "her," which it has been always accustomed to refer to as "it."
When he even frames a German sentence in his mind, with the hims and hers in the right places, and then works up his courage to the utterance-point, it is no use—
the moment he begins to speak his tongue flies the track and all those labored males and females come out as "its."
And even when he is reading German to himself, he always calls those things "it,"
whereas he ought to read in this way:
TALE OF THE FISHWIFE AND ITS SAD FATE
(Translated from German to English by Mark Twain.)
[I capitalize the nouns, in the German (and ancient English) fashion.]
It is a bleak Day.
Hear the Rain, how he pours, and the Hail, how he rattles; and see the Snow, how he drifts along, and of the Mud, how deep he is!
Ah the poor Fishwife, it is stuck fast in the Mire; it has dropped its Basket of Fishes; and its Hands have been cut by the Scales as it seized some of the falling Creatures; and one Scale has even got into its Eye, and it cannot get her out. It opens its Mouth to cry for Help; but if any Sound comes out of him, alas he is drowned by the raging of the Storm.
And now a Tomcat has got one of the Fishes and she will surely escape with him. No, she bites off a Fin, she holds her in her Mouth—will she swallow her?
No, the Fishwife's brave Mother-dog deserts his Puppies and rescues the Fin—which he eats, himself, as his Reward.
O, horror, the Lightning has struck the Fish-basket; he sets him on Fire;
see the Flame, how she licks the doomed Utensil with her red and angry Tongue; now she attacks the helpless Fishwife's Foot—she burns him up, all but the big Toe, and even SHE is partly consumed; and still she spreads, still she waves her fiery Tongues; she attacks the Fishwife's Leg and destroys IT; she attacks its Hand and destroys HER also; she attacks the Fishwife's Leg and destroys HER also; she attacks its Body and consumes HIM; she wreathes herself about its Heart and IT is consumed; next about its Breast, and in a Moment SHE is a Cinder; now she reaches its Neck—He goes; now its Chin—IT goes; now its Nose—SHE goes.
In another Moment, except Help come, the Fishwife will be no more. Time presses—is there none to succor and save?
Yes! Joy, joy, with flying Feet the she-Englishwoman comes! But alas, the generous she-Female is too late:
where now is the fated Fishwife? It has ceased from its Sufferings, it has gone to a better Land; all that is left of it for its loved Ones to lament over, is this poor smoldering Ash-heap. Ah, woeful, woeful Ash-heap! Let us take him up tenderly, reverently, upon the lowly Shovel, and bear him to his long Rest,
with the Prayer that when he rises again it will be a Realm where he will have one good square responsible Sex, and have it all to himself, instead of having a mangy lot of assorted Sexes scattered all over him in Spots.
There, now, the reader can see for himself that this pronoun business is a very awkward thing for the unaccustomed tongue.