Humor of Practical French Phrases

Humor of Practical French Phrases is from the book Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need.

Here is an excerpt from the chapter How to Speak a Foreign Language in Just 30 Minutes (Without Necessarily Having Any Idea What You Are Saying) pages 28-29.



So what you need, as a traveler, is to learn practical foreign expressions.

Let’s say you’re in a very swanky Paris restaurant that has earned the coveted “Five-Booger” ranking from the prestigious Michelin Guide: How Snotty a Restaurant Is.

You cannot be asking these people to show you the fish of their brother Raoul.

You will want to use simple, foolproof phrases such as the following.



Garçon!  Je suis capable de manger un cheval!

(“Waiter!  I could eat a horse!”)


Apportez-moi quelques aliments française ici pronto sur la double!

(“Bring me some French food immediately!”)




Attendez une minute au jus dernier!

(“Wait just a darned minute!”)


Qu’est-ce l’enfer que c’est?

(“What is this the hell that this is?”)


Attemptez-vous à yanquer ma chaine, boudet?

(“Are you trying to yank my chain, buddy?”)




Je donne madame CHAT plus viande que cette!

(“I give my damned CAT more meat than this!”)


Sacre moo! Ce EST mon chat!

(“Holy cow!  This IS my cat!”)






Nous sommes suppose a faire peepee ICI?  Mais nous sommes droit dans le friggant RUE.

(“We’re supposed to pee HERE?   But we’re right in the goshdarn STREET.”)




Il ya a des RELIGIEUSES regardant nous.  Dites, cette religieuse est hot.

(“There are NUNS watching us.  Say, that nun is fairly attractive.”)


Peut-être j’ai been en France trop longue.

(“Perhaps I have been in France too long.”)







Easiest Languages have thousands of words similar to English, so:


“This is The Easiest Way to Begin Learning Foreign Languages.”


Helping More People Begin Foreign Languages The Easiest Way.







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